Passive Anxiety

Tonight the lines blurred between exhausted and a little bit drunk. Everything felt hazy and mellow but also like I had clear perspective. I didn’t want to sleep mentally despite everything my body was telling me. There is a lingering anxiety that buzzes in my ear. It is in the background of my focus, easily drowned out, but also ever present. Unlike my other, more controlled, anxieties, this one doesn’t seem to have an intent or focus, it just is. It feels like my baseline is just slightly off pitch. There is worry and judgement, fear of silence or alone time, and the idea that I am a failure for letting myself be bored. Trying to find the root or the reason seems pointless since it doesn’t really focus on anything tangible. And when I am in love, I tend not to have the feeling quite so strongly when I’m around them. I think a part of it is heightened awareness, but with heavy judgement attached to it. It keeps me from becoming my own recharge person. I want my down time and intuition to be as effective as possible towards my happiness and a better life. So what next? Do I continue to dissect it and figure out why it ticks, do I focus on the feeling and emotion itself and try to remove attachments and judgments, do I sleep it off and hope it unexpectedly goes away on its own? The questions and planning seem to be a part of my nature itself. All I know for sure is that I feel too tight in my skin, like my body is being dragged behind my mind, and that I can’t specify the actions I need to do.

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