Trigger warning- Mental Health
I have come to the realization that I do not have the typical cries for help. Even mentioning mental illness sends my family members into a tizzy. I want you to remember this though:
I will always be truthful when you ask.
It’s a very simple concept to me, not lying about the way I feel. It makes sense even if it might make someone else uncomfortable. So if you ask me how I am feeling, if you ask me if I am safe, I will answer you honestly. That being said:
I am safe.
Back to cries for help.
Often, you will see me post existential, probing questions with no real answers. This means I am doing well. I am actively fighting my mental illness and reaching out to connect with others to see how others might go about probing these difficult questions. I am plotting and untangling my thoughts in a way that seems effective and actionable. In addition to this, I am actively regulating my meds with my doctors and have a wonderful therapist I see weekly to sort out my emotions.
Here comes the hard part.
Sometimes it is not enough. I have, in the past, written suicide notes because I am too afraid of facing this fear in the future. Too afraid of seeing myself and others suffer. I have been able to learn, and I am very grateful for this, that just because I would not see the suffering does not mean it would not exist. I am happy to report that I have not been suicidal in over six months.
I would even say now that I am more confident in my abilities and in the people I love more than ever. However, that does not mean I am “cured” of my depression. If anything, I will say it has evolved.
Its current form has me lying in bed- endlessly. I wake up, sometimes get dressed, eat, write, distract, and sleep. I desperately search for anything to motivate me out of the house, into a job with recognition and contribution, into socialization and new or pleasurable experiences. But I just don’t. I keep writing, keep seeing how other people suffer, and it all seems helpless. I don’t want to be a revolutionary but I want to be part of a revolution. I don’t want to be a leader but I don’t see a leader we can follow, actions that aren’t scary.
There is no “tough it out.” No “just do it.” No first baby step that doesn’t seem monumental.
If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. And I want you to know what my online presences looks like.
When I am actually asking for help, when I am starting to spiral- all I want to do is escape. All I want to do is get out of my head or feel wanted. But I realize it just looks like inane social media drabble. Which is why I am going against my usual instinct and writing this on social media. It is embarrassing and vulnerable but it isn’t me trying to escape it or hide from it. I need you to know though. I need people to see what depression and mental illness can look like. I need to fight and most of all I need to let myself take chances so I can start having fun again.
Thank you for taking the time to read. It means a lot to me.
I am safe.