Cupid and the Golden Apple Part 3

Collaborative piece by Nora M. and Melissa S.

Catfishing for Staplers

I could not have started this project without my dear friends cajoling me into doing so. Above I have linked the poignant documentation of the project by my dear friend Muffin, and am borrowing her screen caps and original content with permission. Go here for my introduction to this social experiment.

So now that you know how this project started and how it has challenged my view of myself, let us get into some of the unfortunate discussions we engaged ourselves in. Warning- some of these are disturbing and graphic despite our best efforts.

One of our first mistakes, it seems, was including any references to butts or the idea of sex.

 “I don’t care what the internet says, fedoras are sexy,” “I lost 20 lbs with a vibrator up my ass 24/7,” “Eyes or buttholes, something has to wink.”

These are in no way encouraging to any sane person. But I assume because they mentioned keywords like ass, butthole, vibrator, sexy and fedoras, the desperate find us and decide we are worth messaging. I had, perhaps naively hoped some of these men would be deterred by the possible threat of sodomy, but the internet is much more open minded than I expected.

Before the profile was even complete we began receiving messages. Clever and sexy pick-up lines like “hey” and “what’s up.”

At first, Mel did all the messaging, often with me [Muffin] feeding her madness from various sources like Nihilist Arby’s @dril quotes, and various things I’ve found through a Welcome to Night Vale facebook group. But the messages were coming in so fast she couldn’t keep up,so she gave me the login info.

Let me tell you, it’s full time work to respond to that many messages NORMALLY. Trying to troll them with non-sequiturs and absurdity is hard. Mainly because

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING DETERS CREEPY MEN.

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Note how that guy came up with the milk thing ALL ON HIS OWN.

The amount of responses we were getting was overwhelming, so we called in reinforcements and shared the login with two more close friends.

So there were 4 of us, and we didn’t exactly have the same goals in mind. But we all agreed to just NOPE NOPE NOPE right out of that one.

People of the internet, please be safe with whatever information you provide to people and allow yourself some self-respect.

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At this point in the evening, I am properly drunk and am becoming steadily horrified that my actual pictures are associated with this account and is under one of my email addresses.  And the guy above? I was so creeped out that I was determined to try and traumatize him. In the words of Muffin:

YOU FUCKING CAN’T

You can click on her full article to see more of these conversations. Highlights include demanding blood sacrifices, speaking in Russian, coded clues about a ritual of blood, forcing sage up their asses, and someone’s inspired idea to demand staplers out of them. The response? No hesitation, let’s meet up.

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The only thing I am going to divulge about the poor sap above is that his name is apparently Ryan. Poor, lonely Ryan.  We completely cut out his photo for his privacy, but we’re not blurring out his name. If you know Ryan, you need to fucking help him.

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So just to be clear, he is GENUINELY ready to buy us a stapler, after saying “call me whatever you want” and answering “yes” to “can you spare a few teeth?”

This is the most desperately lonely person I have ever encountered.

And it just keeps going…

Ryan messaged us constantly well into the next day, leading me to believe that he might have been some sort of bot all along? He desperately wanted to meet up with us, even after we came clean about being multiple people and trolling.

There were also a select few men who seemed well meaning enough, even in on the joke. This was more attractive to me personally than any message I had received on real accounts. Although I have no reservations in admitting my faculties we impaired heavily by alcohol well into the evening.

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Notice how he speaks in full sentences and actually responds to my answers with a similar tone? Guys- that is literally ALL girls are asking for with online dating. Yes, in person chemistry and values play a role, but making this kind of intelligent and funny impression is worth its weight in gold. Don’t just look at our pictures and ask if we want to fuck- this method will be 100% more effective.

I know the dating scene can seem helpless sometimes- for all genders and orientations. There are creeps and trolls out there who can seem incapable of honesty or empathy. The internet, when it comes down to it, can be a fantastic resource for meeting new people who share interests and values that you would never meet otherwise.

However, being lonely is not an excuse for being a creepy jerk. I am going to repeat that.

BEING LONELY IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR BEING A CREEPY JERK. 

Do yourself a favor and invest in porn if all you want is a fuck. There are so many women willing to fulfill all your sexting fantasies in exchange for validating their lifestyles. A dating site is not the place to do that. Just because it provides the opportunity does not mean it will fulfill any of your needs.  Knowing what you like, being able to communicate it, and respecting yourself and others is challenging. It also makes life worth living and so much more relatable to others.

I have already learned so much from this experiment over the past few days. I have experienced shared humor and the practice of chaotic fun with friends. I have re-evaluated how my body might be seen by others. I have laughed until my sides hurt. I have seen a spread of humanity that is lonely and horny and ignorant, but I feel more empowered about my ongoing search for love more than ever.

Lastly, I am so lucky to have the power of friends and intellect to support me wading through the dance that is romance and vulnerability.

Still haven’t gotten that stapler though…

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