Victim

I’m playing like any other child

laughing, climbing swinging

but in my little sundress

“I see London I see France I see Melissa’s underpants!”

Unfamiliar heat of humiliation

 

I’m sitting in the play structure at the far end of the play ground

I can hear the laughter and play of the others,

but to me it only sounds mocking

I wish I were invisible,

and for all I am a part of the other’s play, I might as well be

 

I’m too mature, to curvy, to suggestive

Yet the only ones to tell me this

are the adults insecure of my blossoming figure

 

I feel everything

the ups the downs the heartaches the welling of tears

for no discernible reason

“Stop being so emotional” they reprimand the teenager

 

This must be love, I must make it love because I need it so

He corrects me but doesn’t stop my demands for attention

 

This IS love I know it for sure

I want to give him my everything and have him be my everything

But two years later is simply isn’t meant to be

 

I’m broken and damaged and overthink everything

What else is new

 

Sneak in through my window,

I don’t want others to see you

But you’re wonderful

I promise I will never hurt you

except in the one specific way you begged me not to

 

You’re selfish, and should spend every second at your mother’s side

so I don’t have to

 

Maybe I should jump

Maybe I should prepare to be the emotional cornerstone of this family

Maybe I can’t do it

 

I need to get as far away from here as quickly as possible

 

I’m free, but at what price

I’m alone, but at least I don’t have time to think about it

I’m not your boss when we’re off the clock

It’s just sex

It’s just pretend intimacy

I know it’s wrong but it’s reliable,

I feel wanted

I wish I had a place I could call home

Why can’t I do this for myself

Why am I already out of money

Why must I take so many steps back and start relying on other people

 

I deserve better

I deserve rest

I am hurt, and it’s no ¬†one’s fault but my own

I have scars, but I find a way to keep living

Maybe if I love myself enough and trust myself enough,

I might actually believe I’m okay

 

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